4 of the Lamest Actor to Musician Cross-overs

Actors and Rock stars live in a narcissistic world where chubby egos are larger then the crowds of groupies waiting out the front of their hotels each night. It has become evident to me that even though life as an actor offers much glitz and glamor, it ain’t a patch on what a rock star experiences. On stage you are worshiped like a demi-god. You can wear leopard skin Lycra pants and make-up and women will still find you sexy.

Let’s face it, when you were 14 all alone in your bedroom, did you rock out to Metallica with a tennis racket or recreate the final scene of Citizen Kane much to your mothers dismay by smashing yet another one of her antique snow domes on the ground whilst muttering “Rosebud”. I’m guessing unlike me you rocked out to Metallica.

Let’s have a look at some of the lamer attempts by actors that have had a peek over the other side of the fence and decided that the green grass of the music industry was worth rolling in, only to discover that all the bleach in the world can’t mask their ensuing grass stains of shame.

1) Steven Segal

The Actor: Steven’s movie career was pretty cool. As as a formula his movies consisted of him using the “I’m looking directly into the sun” stare (see pic) while breaking arms and twisting bad guys heads off. Often his movies lacked a plot or acting but who cares, he was tough and in the simpler times of the mid 90′s that was enough.

Musician
At some point the Hollywood Segal became washed up, fatter and fell under the spell of mind altering silk clothes suits that seemed to take over his wardrobe and persona. His offering to the music world is a slice of pop-contemporary-blues that can only be described as abhorrent. The music at it’s best is pedestrian but the film clip for “Girl It’s Alright” is what has captured The Lamest’s attention.

This film clip features a chubby Segal enjoying a Gary Glitter-esk trip to Thailand where he “woo’s” a teenage girl. This pubescent girl seems confused and somewhat withdrawn when Segal’s busy hands are used not to karate chop her skull in but to tenderly (and creepily) fondle her naked back while singing in her ear “it’s alright with me”. Hey Steven she is half your age, weight and wearing half as much silk……of course it’s alight with you! To detract us from the dark undertone that runs through this musical abomination, he is seen rough housing village children in a jovial manner and riding elephants that are only slightly larger then him. Sorry Steve, but stick to producing your energy drinks (that’s a whole other article right there)!

2) Crispin Glover

The Actor: Crispin is most notably known for his role as McFly in Back to the future. Yep as an actor you could basically hang your hat on that achievement.
The Musician: Crispin’s offering of the aptly named “Clowny Clown Clown” made him a shoe in for this article. “Clowny Clown Clown” is the lamest example of hallucinogenic drug abuse manifested in a musical form since Ringo Star was given the “artistic freedom” to write Yellow Submarine. The extent of Crispins talent is evident in the first few lines of “Clowny Clown Clown” as he somehow rhymes: ground, sound, around, clown and frown. Amazing!

3) Joaquin Phoenix

The Actor: The man has serious acting talent. In fact I’m finding it hard to pick any holes in his body of work….Although his early work on Parenthood and the River Phoenix 911 phone call were a tad unpolished.

The Musician: There are people out there that believe the past year or so of bizarre behavior is all a big show and eventually the joke will all be on us. If it is a big joke then he’s putting on one heck of a show. The beard, hobo appearance and the almost unforgivable crime of wearing brown corduroy pants suggest Joaquin is unstable. In additon to his lame attempts a rapping his Dave Letterman appearance has forced our hand here at TheLamest to include him in this article.

4) The Hoff

The Actor: We all know this story, his career consisted of him talking to a flashing light on a dashboard and sucking his guts into his chest cavity on an LA beach. Unfortunately the past few years have seen his acting abilities limited to Youtube clips posted by his daughter, which capture his self loathing and burger molesting shame for the whole world to see. Nice kid he’s got there!

Versatility: Single handedly smashing the iron curtain and a double cheese and bacon burger

The Musician: The Hoff is responsible for a litany of musical disasters but surely his “Hindenburg” moment would have to be his rendition of “Jump in My Car”. This rare example of lameness dances the uncomfortable line between self parody and trying to artistically create something audiences will take serious. A bit like a street mine I guess.

Here are some more actors that I thought deserved a dishonorable mention. Please leave a comment and let me know if I’ve missed any worthy contenders.