She's either trying to turn you on with that 'Hello Boys' look on her face or she can see a pie cooling on a window sill behind the photographer.

So if you are a fat chic deluded with the notion you’ve gone for the “classical” look, just know that we are onto you Venus De Pie-load.

Thankfully women came to their senses around the same time of the sexual revolution. A combination of bikini wearing and reluctant husbands giving their wives permission to leave the cake making confines of the kitchen resulted in healthier, and more importantly hotter women.

Further kilos came off during the late 70s and 80s thanks to a high diet of cocaine and ridiculous high cardio dance moves. Unfortunately at some point during the 90s, fat detecting canaries worldwide began fatally collapsing, signalling the horror that was to come.

influential fat chics like Rickie Lake and Oprah were able to fool women into believing obesity (or cuddliness as they would call it) and sexual desire could go hand in hand. All of a sudden the level headed mantra of No Fat Chics was replaced by the insanity of Bigger the Cushion Better the Pushing!

The fallacy of big and beautiful lives on today and is disgustingly evident in the following exponents of this flawed way of thinking and living:



1 + 1 Fancy Dress Fatties = 0 Amount of Movement in my Pants

The only thing deviant about the one on the left is that she eats gravy powder straight from the packet. As for the one on the right. We’re pretty sure if Satan was to have a bride, he’d be doing himself a disservice settling for that chic. She’s also lost her deposit on that fancy dress, by allowing her bulky frame to shred “ventilation holes” into it.

You Lost the Right to Use Blue Steel Long Ago

OK you’re daughters are passable but you look like a pelican with a thyroid issue. If you realize you have a leather bag hanging off the underside of your face, you should be aware that tilting your head back and trying to look sultry will never work.

The Fools Gold of Hookers

Seriously if you ever find yourself paying for the services of this leviathan you need to reassess your sight and make sure you don’t have a “Shallow Hal” type affliction. I heard that when this photo was released on the internet, gold index prices suffered their worst day since the retirement of Mr.T.

The Doorway to Foreplay

When your jeans look like 2 wind socks sewed together, you loose all rights to flash the “bedroom eyes” look at a camera.

For the Love of God!

Even from behind her back boobs would make it feel like you are doing it in the missionary position. Somebody should tell China to stop printing T-Shirts with that slogan, at that size. It’s not fair for anyone to have to even think about what she does and doesn’t like.



If you are outraged by this article, take a deep breath, collect yourself, eat some cheesecake, then come back and write us a comment below.

These plonka’s are testament to the blinding power of the human ego. It’s hard to believe that after seeing their handy work, these “musicians” still though it wise to put these gems of petrified turds into the public domain for all to see.

Although it must be said the following examples still hold more merit and credibility then the Whitney Houston comeback tour and these actors who attempted to become musicians.



To do this in style it’s highly recommended that you wear some sort of head-wear that accentuates your doucheyness.

Whilst these symmetry, weight and genetically challenged kids debunk the above statement, they do pay credence to the saying that there is someone out there for everyone.

Wigged Up Skeletor and Roseanne

This marriage made in purgatory supplies mutual happiness which is clearly evident by the look of happiness on their contrasted faces.

This is a symbiotic relationship that comes into it’s own during nighttime. As the sun sets he snuggles into her waterbed-esk body for a warm and jiggerly night sleep. Her reward for being a human nest is when she leaches precious nutrients out of the sleeping Skeletor through her highly developed skin folds.

This is a recently discovered form of osmosis, which leaves the female plump (especially in the mammary and shoulder zones) but unfortunately leaves the male with a Tom Hanks, Philadelphia like appearance. His hair does look fabulous though!





Petite and Catatonic loves Obese and Ironic

This dude might get our respect if he lost 100kg and got an inkling of style. Why does such a lardo deserve respect? Because he’d be a dead ringer for Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age. The fact remains, he doesn’t have our respect and probably deserves to have his oxygen credits revoked.

As for his tractor beam eyes girlfriend. We’re convinced she doesn’t need CO², as she’s one of Satan’s harpies put on this earth to “Woo” ironic fatties, with the intention of eating the shit out of their chubby souls with her ungodly gaze.









A Life of Corporal Punishment

This strapping young man is sporting the traditional army 1000 yard stare. The intense look of remorse, fear and shame is evident to all. This 1000 yard stare has a twist though, he hasn’t seen a day of combat, this creepy gaze is a result of his truly mental choice of spouse!

When you think about it this could be an absolute master stroke. Remember the cross dressing lengths Maxwell Klinger went to in his attempt to be free of Alan Alder’s tiring one liners, and to a lesser extent the Korean War.

Well take this photo of your wedding to any army physiologist during any war and you’ll be deemed stark raving mad in a second, bypassing the Catch 22 rule.





Pans Labyrinth Monster’s Son is in Love

We’re guessing these two just missed out on being named the prom king and queen. We’re sure they can hold out for their 10 year reunion where they’ll be awarded the “couple most likely to further evaporate the gene pool” trophy.

This photo actually looks like it’s professionally shot from one of those expensive studios…There are some things the professionals just can’t help you out with.

Even if you are a tough guy and you “own” a particular street corner, you are still best advised that Newton’s laws of physics still apply.

Lets just reiterate that Mr. Newton didn’t say: everything has an equal and opposite reaction unless you are Krumpin in the middle of the road.

The science of Tassology (yep, there is a nerd name for it) has been around for a long time and can give you a solid read on your mate by sneaking a view of their cup.

Just a word of warning, please only look in their cup once they are finished drinking, and putting rohypnol into the cup won’t give you a good read of the leaves as it tends to damage the leaf integrity (however as they will be on the floor unconscious, you’ve pretty much got license to do anything you want – although it isn’t recommended).

Let’s look at some examples:

1) The Honey Soaked Ham

Chicks love you and even if you are a chick, the chicks still love you. Quite frankly it’s about time you turned to lesbianism. Think about it, you will get discharged from the army in wartime easily and you’ll finally get to back up your uncanny Bea Arthur impersonation without embarrassment. If you are hot, then we need all the hot lesbians we can get.









2) The Muppet

You finish people’s sentences, even when you don’t know what they are talking about. However this isn’t all bad, all your friends don’t get the chance to tell you to get fucked as you finish their sentence with a kind word.









3) The H Bomb (also known as the High Octane)

Whilst we can look at this and decide that you are the master of self expression, the hard truth is that frankly, you shit too hard. There is fair chance that you leave stains on every bowl you use and you don’t have the common decency to clean your mess with the supplied brush.









4) The Coffee

You’re doing it wrong. You are drinking coffee and I can’t tell you what your life will be like. Obviously you are one tired and hungover prick who possibly shakes like a leaf on a still day. The next stop is Meth on the life highway for you fella.









5) The Short Macciato

You are still drinking coffee, however there is a pretty big chance of are a massive wanker.











6) The Water

You are a tight-arse, can’t take you anywhere there isn’t free bread upon arrival. You possibly booked tickets to South Africa because there was “Free Mandela” posters everywhere thinking you could get a free servant, oh and you’re possibly racist.









7) No more Tealeaves

You are obviously a fucking Neanderthal as you ate the tea leaves with the tea. Might as well eat the fucking cup too you stupid rock muncher.









8 ) The Tea Bag

Because of your liberal use of the tea bag, you don’t get tea leaves in the cup. Obviously you are too busy to make a proper cup of tea and it shows. By the way, your wife left you and your children have joined a cult. Maybe it is time to get your life back.









9) The Doormat

just look at how many leaves you got in your tea! It’s disgusting and instead of taking it back with a demand for a fresh cup or a refund, you drank it. Odds on that you will say it was the best cup (with millions of leaves in your teeth). You are too trusting and often gullible, by the way, can I borrow $100 bucks, I’ll give it straight back I promise.

A vodka filled Boris Yeltson could control a bike better then these next idiots:

Here are a couple of retarded news articles which have pricked our attention recently.

If you know of any retarded or lame news stories please email them to: thelamest.com@gmail.com



1) Workers Drown in Tomato Sauce
The jist: A bunch of workers in an Indian food factory drown in a large vat of tomato sauce.
Our take: Finally use humans are fighting back! For too long we’ve been the ones having to deal with hard to remove sauce stains. Now the sauce has to deal with hard to remove human stains!







2) Drunk Man gets Bitten after Attempting to Ride 5m Crocodile
The jist: An Australian drunk yokel thought it would be fun to ride one of those cute and cuddly crocs.
Our take: Steve Irwin made a living (and a death) out of riding, prodding and generally annoying the shit out of dangerous animals. This guy should go pro and turn a few dollars from his full-hardy exploits.







3) Car Crash Victims Were Zombies
The jist: Man rushes to aid the occupants of car involved in an accident. To his dismay the car was full of zombies.
Our take: The moral of the story. Never help people in distress, unless you are 100% sure they won’t eat your brains.







This poor soul learns that his son still loves him which unleashes his inner wookie. This heart felt channeling of Chewbacca will bring a tear (of laughter) to your eye.